In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
