Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
