I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
