it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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