Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
