I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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