life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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