PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
