Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
