Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
