i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
