I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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