Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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