Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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