I think I just saw someone hide a body.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
