So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
