Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
