please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There's always time for handjobs
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
