The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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