Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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