So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
