i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
