Nicole vs. Life
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
