I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
