I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
