Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
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