Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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