just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Randomize
