I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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