if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
