but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
