Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
