At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
my poor anus
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
