Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
