One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
