Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
