Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
you had me at cake vodka
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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