; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
