You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
