So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
