ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
