Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
