Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
