my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
