Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
