I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
