highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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