i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
