You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
