Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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